The future has always been this scary place that looms ahead of finishing university, and I always assumed that by the time graduation came around I’d have a solid idea about what I’d do when I left. As the day of my leaving university creeps closer, I’m beginning to realise that I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’ve always been planning up until this moment but never for awards and what lies ahead scares the crap out of me.
I’ve always had long term life goals; I want to get married and have children, I’d like to live in the country in the future but I’ll settle for having a nice house but above all else, I want to leave an impact on the world. No matter how long I live for, I want to leave some mark behind on the earth that says “Nicole was here and she did some good with her life”.
I used to want to teach to achieve this goal, because I admired my teachers whilst growing up, but I didn’t go down that road. I’m at a cross roads and I’ve no idea what path to choose or even what each path means. People are scared of dying, and I think it’s for the reason I said, they want to feel like they’ve left their mark on the world when they’ve gone.
I’m scared of the next part of my life because until now I’ve been so sure about where I’ve been going. Growing up, the goal was always to get to university and never beyond it. There was only ever one path to go on and now there are lots. I’m confused and scared and I know that I am not the only person who feels like this but it’s hard to say it sometimes. I need to apply for jobs, but I don’t want to because I don’t know what I want to do. I need to write my dissertation but I don’t because I don’t know what lies beyond it’s finish.
I can’t just float through the next couple of months but all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and deny what’s to come. I need to be adult, but I certainly don’t feel like it. Quarter life crisis?